The London Marathon....

In short..... it was worse than childbirth! And in so many ways just like it! I wanted to give up so many times, and change my mind about the whole ordeal, but knew there was no option other than to keep going. I cried, I laughed, I looked forward to my reward at the end. And at the moment it was given to me, I loved my shiny medal about as much as I loved my newborn children. (ok, maybe not quite as much, but you know what I mean!)
I could never have anticipated how emotional it would be. I cried so many times for so many different reasons. I cried at the woman in front of me running for bliss ( a charity very close to my heart) with a picture of her son on her vest,born at the same time my son was, who only lived a day. I cried when I saw five japanese over 50's running for their destroyed hometowns. I cried at mile 16 when my toenail popped off and I felt like I was running on broken glass. At mile 17 again when it was so hot I needed to jump into a cold pool. I cried like a baby at mile 18, which was the point I was meant to see my family for a quick hug and I couldn't see them. And I cried at mile 21 when I took a woman by the hand as she sobbed into her husbands chest on the sidlelines that she couldn't finish. I cried especially everytime I touched Michelles badge, knowing without her I would have quit at mile 13!
It wasn't all crying... I laughed alot too.... At the giant tiger, or danger mouse. At being beaten by a rhino and a bottle of beer. At all the kids who high fived me along the way, and smiled at almost every person who called out my name and cheered me on.
When I reached mile 20 and my feet were agony, my tank empty, and my spirit weak, I contemplated sitting down and not getting up. I pulled over to the side and stretched. About a dozen people started chanting "go Jae, go Jae, keep going, you're almost there!" I wish I could thank them personally.... without that encouragemnet I'm not sure I would have kept going. For Belinda, who had breast surgery 14 days ago and crossed the finish line holding my hand, you are a true inspiration. For Jacqueline who was waiting at the finish line, you made it so special. My big girls and my mum who have been constant in my training and fears, I love you all. For Tony who encouraged me all the way through, and everyone who sponsored me for such a good cause. But especially, especially for Michelle. She was and is a presence in my life that is forever there, and forever great. She has left a gigantic hole in this world and dare I say it, I plan to run so many more times in her memory.
Thankyou to you all for all of your support, and that you Shelley for being there every step of the way x

Nerves...

Today I'm packing for London. I have everything lined up and ready to go. Mild panic set in when I couldn't find my registration form. It was, however where I left is, lying safely in my drawer!
I am more nervous than I was before giving birth, more nervous than when moving 6000 miles away from home. More nervous than flying on a rubbish day. I am 100% totally riddled from head to toe with nerves. I blabber, and snap and am a general altogether nightmare.
My babies have been taken down south for the week, to give me some time to prepare, and I am not sure if I find that harder or easier. I am aware of them being away every moment, and I miss my family terribly!
I am talking to myself and to Michelle constantly, and I'm almost certain I have caught a few people throwing curious looks and I chant my mantra while running.
So, London here we go..... with my mum and big girls en-tow, we are very nearly on our way! Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

calm before the storm...

Everything is running smoothly in the running world. I am keeping my training topped up, but have no major runs planned before next weekend. I ran this morning, 6 miles with my friend Alisa, and it was lovely. We enjoyed the sunshine, and the satisfaction of getting our run finished early in the morning. All in all it was really enjoyable.
On another note I do feel really nervous..... it will all be ok though right?

Nerves

I am seriously freaking out! Where has all my training time gone? I can't believe this time in 2 weeks, I will be in London.
A quick thanks to my mum who is coming down on Saturday with Lucy and Sarah. The thought of being there alone is worse than my feelings about waiting on the starting line.
I also feel so lucky to have the friends that I do. EVERY single morning, I have the mums at the school gate giving me encouragement, one (Alisa) has run with me a few times, and God love her for it. I told her the other day on a run that she was like the energizer bunny. I kid you not, the woman can have a full length conversation the entire duration of our run. I do try to keep up with the chat, but fear I grunt back at her towards the end. her face doesn't change colour, mine turns a very attractive shade of purple. She bounces up hills, I moan. She is just as chipper at the end as at the beginning, and I just want a seat! I will miss her bubbliness while hitting the streets of London.
So, the countdown begins.....
You still with me Shell?

Easier runs.

I finally feel like I can run without wondering at which stage I'm going to pass out! I had a nice run today with my friend Alisa, and wore my CRY vest in preparation for my london outfit.
Here is my new issue, and I apologise it is personal! I came away from the Alloa half with blisters not on my bruised feet, but on my boobs! ( ever noticed the real runners don't tend to be awfully well endowed?), and I have tried every sports bra I can find, plasters, dreaded vaseline, but the only thing that comes close to working is wearing 2 sports bras. What worries me is how comfortable that will be for 26 miles. I suppose if thats the only thing I have to worry about during the marathon then I'll be doing ok.
So I'm off on an internet search for the right bra, probably slightly late in the game for that!
On another note, I have also been reading about Lance Armstrong. Michelle admired him, and I can see why. Ever so slightly daunting after everything he has done, was reading that running the New York marathon was by far the hardest thing he has ever done! Oh God!

Beautiful weather

It actually feels like springtime. I can't tell you how much of a difference that not only makes to training, but to my entire state of mind. Going out for a run when the sun is shining, and the sky is blue, is hundreds of times easier than doing it in the rain or the snow.
I recovered quickly from the half marathon, which I think in and of itself has shown me I may actually be verging on some sort of fitness. My feet are screwed, my nails black, but all in all I feel ok.
I had a really lovely run yesterday, with y friend Alisa. We parked by the school, and ran in just enough time to pick the kids up at the end of school. I have no idea how far we ran, but we ran for an hour. An hour along I track I don't know, but now love, enjoying easy chat, and a fairly easy run. Had my feet not been niggling, I would even have been close to saying it was perfect.
Running that length is no longer really hard work, but dare I say it...... even fully enjoyable!
I now wear my badge with Shells beautiful face on it everytime I go out, and silly as it may seem to some, it really makes me feel like she is with me.

Alloa half marathon.

Yesterday I ran the Alloa half marathon. I arrived absolutely riddled with nerves, thank goodness my mum was there. Everyone bustled around, attaching numbers and time clips, stretching, chatting. It is quite an exciting environment, and easy to get caught up in the event. For whatever reason by the time I got to the starting point (although I was standing pretty close to the end of the crowd) my nerves had dissapated slightly and I was raring to go.
Everyone took off quickly, and I immediately knew the pace was faster than I had trained for. Avoiding the temptation to sprint ahead, I nestled myself in behind two women running for 'Help for Heroes'. Their pace was comfortable so I decided to follow. What was somewhat disturbing was that the person who had decided to tuck in behind me was an 82 year old man. Now good on him, what an amazing accomplishment for someone of his age, but NO WAY in hell was I going to be beat by an OAP.
Some poor guy was walking by mile one, one woman quit at mile 2, and a few runners were cuddled up in tin foil by mile 9.
I tried feverently to think of other things, other than how long to go, how long to go. I did settle into my running and my thoughts several times through the race, but I admit, the whole thing was hard. The strecth (3 miles) in menstri was never ending, and excuse my language, but the hill between 10 and 11 miles was a bastard.
I touched my badge with Michelles face on it four or five times for encouragment, and to remind myself in particularly hard moments the purpose of what I was doing.
Seeing the finish line was far more of a relief than a joy, and hearing my name being called out as I crossed was the funny release I needed. They were shouting here comes Jem Duffin, well done Jem, and all I could hear was my mum shouting at them. "Its not Jem its Jaime!!!!"
I am sure glad thats over, and can't help thinking four weeks from today, London will be too! Can I run twice as far? Who the hell knows! Am I going to give it my best shot? Hell yeah!

last run before Alloa.

Its the Alloa half marathon on Sunday, so in a bid to practice 'tapering', yesterday was my last real run before then. Tony had mapped out a 7 mile run around the loch.
Considering how bad and dull and grey the weather has been these last couple of weeks, I was pleasantly surprised by the sunshine and mild air. Its a stunning route to run, through wooded areas with a constant view of the loch. Seven miles is something I should find easy at this stage of the game, being able to stick to my chosen pace, and more simply enjoy the run.
Reality was quite different however. I woke up yesterday morning barely able to swallow, glands swollen, throat sore. I also had been stricken with the dreaded 'girly' cramps. I felt rubbish. But in "I feel guilty if I don't train" fashion, I dosed up on anadin extra and set off on my way.
I felt every step of that seven miles, every one painful. I couldn't regulate my breathing, and will even be so dramatic as to say I felt the onset of panic more than once, when it actually felt as if I couldn't get enough air in.
Poor Tony again, listened to my groaning through every mile. Seriously, after all this, the guy deserves a medal. I seriously considered if the hill at the end would sanction my collaspe, but I'm happy to say I made it.
Has that boosted my confidence for Sunday??? Eh..... NO!!!
On a plus side, Tony gave me a massive lucozade bag, filled with shakes, drinks, magic beans (energy jelly beans), gels. If all else fails, I will get a good sugar high.

36317

36317. Thats my London Marathon running number, and I'm a red zone starter. Now, I'm not sure if that means slow as arse zone, but I don't care. I'd rather be in that group than the group where they take off at a sprint and leave me in the back as norma no mates!
I'm freaking out in a totally undignified manner. I have a thousand doubts, worries and totally irrelevant thoughts circling around my head, but mostly I feel quite proud that I am about to be a part of something so nerve wrackingly brilliant. I may not finish as a fantastic athlete, but I will finish. I will finish with full understanding that I have done this to hnour a person who was selfless and giving of herself, of her time. I will finish with the understanding that this one event has truly, unmistakenly been life changing for me.
I am running the Alloa half marathon on Sunday, and am dreading the infamous 10 mile hill, but am even more excited about completing the race and hopefully finding my remaining toe nails still intact!

Gone is the peace....

Ok, what the hell is going on??? Its March, springtime, and its SNOWING! I think the world is all going to hell. Earthquakes, tsunamis, unseasonal weather. Its alarming, yet all I can think is how inconvenient it is....
Just as I'm running longer and faster the ground is re-covered in the stuff that guarantees I fall flat on my arse, am in danger of spraining something. I could really do with this whole bad weather thing to be over.
I have visions of my running this half marathon next weekend in a ski suit, falling both up and downhill.
The peace and acceptance I felt last week, ever so fleetingly, has once again turned into total unadulterated panic!!!!!!!

Peace

I am finally at peace with this whole marathon running malarky. I now have no doubt I can infact make it over the finish line in London. I am beginning to care less how long it takes me to do it, so long as I give it everything I've got.
I'm not a real believer in the supernatural, or even the overtly spiritual, but I do absolutely believe that I'm not doing this alone. Whether it is the inspiration Michelle left behind, or the support I feel from those who loved her, I'm not entirely sure, but regardless she is there with me when I run. She is there as a little girl laughing with me, and she is there as a personal trainer egging me on. I think about her all the time, I chant her mantra (actually Lance Armstrongs, but Shell used it), 'Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever.' I speak to her, and I think, think, think.
I had no idea how emotional a journey this would turn out to be, but it is. And although I do it in public forums, and ask anyone I know, or even sometimes don't know for money, this has become a deeply personal journey too. It is far more than running, far more than training, its my way of putting my life into perspective, of counting my blessings, and putting MY world to rights.
Running this week has been peaceful. I have been running a 7 mile route, which is now my favourite, everytime I do it faster, with more ease, and FINALLY, actually feel the fitness kicking in.
Its less than 2 weeks now until the half marathon, and only a month after that until London.
Bring it on!

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JaimeDuffin

uuuugghhh....

I have little to report. Death is a funny thing, it has an effect on everyday life that makes normal enjoyable things feel different.
The funeral was terribly sad, and totally infuriating at the same time. Although I will just focus on my own memories, and what made her important to me.
I hobbled in on my sore legs, and stiff feet, and am desperately hoping that after my leg massage tomorrow I will be feeling better. Running has lost its appeal this week, and I feel deflated insecurity settling in.
Tomorrow however, is a new day, and I hope I have more positivity to report. Just now I'm going to cuddle in with my kids, watch some rubbish telly, and keep my poor bruised, tired foot up.

13 miles...

Well, I did it. I ran 13 miles today. I wasn't necessarily looking forward to it. I've been battling an infection, its my Grandmothers funeral tomorrow, I had about a thousand other things to accomplish, and an hour from now I have a parent teachers meeting to go to. It will be interesting to see how sitting on a primary 1 sized chair feels!
I really enjoyed the first 6 miles, Tony (very patient and encouraging personal trainer) and I exchanged the occasional chat, the weather was beautiful, and I was happily running away from all my worries and frustrations. And believe me they weigh up to a rather large load today. Mile seven(ish), my right foot started annoying me, felt like I had a stone in my shoe, which we couldn't seem to get to the bottom of. Instead, Tony (who was wearing 2 pairs), gave me one of his socks, and this seemed to ease the irritation a bit. I'd say mile 10 was when the whole journey felt painful, and it began to feel at every turn was another hill! I hate hills!
My old lady knee really kicked in at this point and I ended up running like one leg was shorter than the other. No matter, we were closing in on the end.... I have a song on my ipod called "talking to the moon", by Bruno Mars, which is the one song that reminds me of Shelly and the reason I'm torturing myself like this, so that pushed me on further.
The last 1/4 of a mile was a stretch that seemed to go on forever, but alas, I finally made it home, to all four children, my mum, and a cup of tea. Bliss!!!!
I have a monster of a blister on my right big toe, and am almost certainly going to lose my nail on my left big toe. YUCK!!! No-one explained with this level of training I wouldn't be wearing open toed sandals this summer.
Damn that was hard, but I am patting myself on the back anyway :)
Now, just to get through tomorrow.....

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JaimeDuffin

This week.

I need optimism pills. Or something. I'm thinking about my week, and I know fitting everything in is going to be a challenge. Aside from the fact that the entire week revolves around the funeral on Thursday, its hard to see or think about anything but that, but to give up the week of training now would be fatal to my progress. Especially since I have my 13 mile run scheduled for Wednesday.
This weekend passed in a haze of heavy hearted treading through the days. On Saturday I did no excerise atall. My knee was still recovering from my hilly misadventure on friday, and I didn't want to risk damaging it. Sunday I cycled 20 miles, and felt like I could have done more. It was the first time I felt like even although I worked hard, I still had energy left in the tank. Perhaps its just pure adrenaline. Feeling like my fitness must be improving, I made the decision to have my regular four o'clock hour on my naughty beast of a horse, with Julie. Now Julie works us hard, and on a normal day without the external pressures, and without the 20 mile cycle, I feel exhausted at the end of the hour. Yesterday I felt sore. My horse is hard work, she is strong and makes me work for everything I ask of her, so my legs got a real shock yesterday in all. I woke up this morning feeling a little like someones punching bag, and once I get past this next hour and so of dropping a hundred children off in different places, (really only 3, but it feels more on a monday morning), I think it will just be an easy few mile jog. Its a beautiful morning for it afterall.

for my grandmother.

Its hardly anytime since I lost my grandmother. It would have been easy today for me to stay in my bed, covers over head, feeling sad, and sorry for myself. Or I could have gone for the run I had planned. I have realised the runs I have dedicated to Michelles memory, I have run without regret and without the desire to give in.
Today I ran for my Grandmother, in her memory.
I arrived at the beginning of my run to meet Tony, already feeling deflated and unsure I could manage it. I knew the majority of the run was uphill (Benarty Hill), and I also knew I had neither the desire or confidence to do it well. I also know,now having run in it a ridiculous fashion that my Grandmother would have appreciated both the effort and in turn the comedic side of the run.
Not five minutes in I developed a stitch which quite easily could have stopped me in my tracks, back to my car, and home to the comfort of my quilt. But I felt I had to at least make the effort to quit in style. The first 21/2 miles of the race are steeply uphill, and I can't begin to explain the expletives going through my head. I jogged, walked, ran, came to a total standstill several times through this period, totally believing this to be the biggest, longest hill in the world. I was an emotional basket case, and probably even worse physically. All in all, the foundations were not good.
Poor Tony, coped with my moaning all the way up, easily ignored my bad language, and happily laughed when I fell down.
At the top of the hill, it would have been nice to believe that due to my drastic weight loss that I was in peril of being blown off the top of the hill altogether. Probabilty being I could still anchor a rather large cruise ship!
Anyway, I made it up and ultimately down again in one piece.
Several miles and hopefully hundreds of calories later, here I am to tell the tale.
GT, this ones for you.

Life

Here's the thing with training for a marathon, especially at this stage of the game. It doesn't matter what is happening in your life, or where you need to be, you can't stop running. I fear if I stop I will have real trouble restarting.
Thanks to Tony ( my 'fit and happy' personal trainer), I have an easily laid out plan of what to do on what day. So.... regardless of how I am feeling today (I will spare you the details), I ran. And thanks to my new watch, again thanks to Tony, actually managed a fartlek session. Now, there's a gruesome word I didn't know anything about a few months ago, and its HARD! My knee niggled, my emotions niggled even more. I stick to the same fundamental principle however, that running really does ease stress. It helps clear the head, gage priorities, structure your feelings.
I felt altogether sad today, and after running am still in that state of mind, but with a glimmer of peaceful. And have renewed gratitude for the relationships I have that are important to me. I was reminded the other day by a member of my family that expressing that thanks is extremely important, and something easily lost in the day to day workings. So, here goes....
- My grandparents taught me there is always someone there who loves you, who remembers the important days in your life, and who will offer support under any circumstance. My Gran in particular.
- My mum and my step-father have encouraged me through every step of this training. They often have a cup of tea, or drink of juice and a pat on the back waiting for me after a long run. I'm so glad they are coming with me to London.
- My friends at the school gates (you know who you are) who are helping with fundraising, and encouraging me to keep going when I'm tired and fed up.
- My neighbour and nutrionalist Alisa, who has sorted out my diet and is running the Alloa half marathon with me. (see now you have to, its in print!)
- My Aunt and Uncle who have run many miles before me.
- Tony, who is terribly patient with me when my first response to just about everything he has me do is, "I hate that!"
- My children, who bring me back down to earth with an almighty bang. Theres nothing like walking into the house after a long run, to "mum", "mum", "mum"....... I could go on and on. Love you,
- Jacqueline, who is grieving as much today as that terrible day, but finds the time to let me know how proud Shelly would be,
- And of course Michelle. She inspires me everyday.

roller coaster

Yesterday I was enjoying the high of my roller coaster ride. Today, I fear I've plummeted to the inevitable low. I woke up this morning aching and sore, with a swollen knee again, and generally feeling sorry for myself. I've dealt with my pesky knee once or twice in the last few months, and it tends to just need a day of rest and some frozen peas, so that will be my plan for today.
Its not even ten o'clock, and already this morning,I'm worried about my Grandmother, have sworn three times, somehow managed to get the older 3 to school, fed and watered the little man, and tried again to get my pre-baby jeans on. They fit!!!!! I can't breathe, or sit down, or even really move, but they are fastened, so at lease thats something.
Being monday, and responsible for four other human beings, and a couple of four legged friends (horses), I'm overwhelmed with how I'm going to manage to fit everything in this week. Already I'm feeling guilty that I'm on a rest day, struggling with the notion that those are the days your body gets fitter and heals.....I'm desperate for a cup of coffee, would love a packet of monster munch, maybe even a mars bar! Oh, I'm on a slippery slope.

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JaimeDuffin

Strangely comforting.

There is something quite rewarding about running early on a Sunday morning, when you know everyone else (the normal people) are still tucked up in bed, and will probably be nursing a hangover for the day. When it dawned on me that my saturday nights, and every other social gathering, would be eliminated, I was worried. I love my wine, and was unsure how I'd cope without it. I am as surprised as anyone to pass through my week, and weekends now without even giving it a second thought.
It helps that I have now lost over a stone, and can actually see muscle tone in my legs, but getting fit really is rewarding. Training for a marathon, especially one you are doing to honour a person you love is a real journey of self reflection. That sounds rather narcissistic, but when you are running on your own for 12 miles, your mind covers just about EVERYTHING! Its as much a mental game as physical one. Even a month ago, I found myself running mapped out routes, absentmindedly trying to find a road that would take me home faster.
These days, I find myself zoning out while running. Its actually magically peaceful, no-one asking anything of you, and for the first time in years, I don't even take my mobile! From a person that texts while in the bath, or at the gym, this is a massive step in life.
Running has also becoming my favourite time of the day. This all sounds ever so slightly trite, because there are moments I curse the very idea of taking another step, and sometimes it can be really boring, but I mean all things considered, it has finally happened for me. The all elusive "bug" runners talk about. I have it.
I look at my calender with less dread today.

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JaimeDuffin

The reason why....

I was on my track and field team at school, and once for a short while held the school record for the 800 meters. That athleticism is what I'm on the hunt for now. The running is hard in and of itself, but its my mind that does me the most damage. When I started this training I started it after doing sod all for months on end, running a mile was torture to both my legs, and my belief that I could do this race justice. Oh its not about finishing the race this time. I know how long 26.2 miles is... I know what mile 18 feels like, but what I don't know is what it is to give it my all. To run with purpose and a reason.
I am running on behalf of the charity CRY. Cardiac Risk in the Young. It promotes heart screening for those under the age of 35, as so many young people die each year of undiagnosed heart conditions, and to provide support to the familes who have lost someone close to them.
My reason is Michelle. My cousin.She dies last year after a bike race. She was 33, and her death left the family and friends in shock. I wish I had photographs to document the memories I now hold dear. The dancing around my living room, thumping sans grace to loud disco music. Or jumping into her pool in South Africa to fish out all her little toy cars. Or punching the soft bark tree in my front garden one summer frustrated. Most especially knowing when Shell got on a horse that she fell in love with those creatures as much as I was. Her smile, and her tenacity for life.
The 33 year old Michelle I didn't know so well. A few facebook messages, some touching, but not nearly as much contact as if I'd known she would now no longer be here.
Michelle was a tremendous athlete, she loved her sport. If she were training me for this marathon it wouldn't be just to get to the end, it would be to get there as best I could, so that is my plan. To run it as if she were too, and I plan on doing her proud.
Easy to say, especially as tonight I'm sat here exhausted physically and emotionally with the training. Its hard and its kicking my arse. Along with all the support and guidance and encouragement I get from family and friends, its the few negative or horror stories you hear that are hard to shake. Its a bit like pregnancy - Everyone has a story and they're not pretty. I mean WHY do people say things like, "I knew a guy who passed out 200meters from finishing. Don't do that!" Hmmmm, actually that was my plan, to run my heart out, and then just collapse before I cross the finish line!
SO, I have the reason, I have the motivation, the shoes, the shirt, and a few of the miles beneath my belt. Now I just need to find the determination to carry through to the very end!
Here we go Shell.....